Some interesting things to think about

1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.

2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.

4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

9) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.

14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

15) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a b#tch.

16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

17) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.

25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

27) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

28) Fighting Violence for peace is like healing burn wounds with fire.

29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

31) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

35) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others... whenever they go.

37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

38) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.

Employee performance evaluations

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from *government* employee performance evaluations.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

What recession does to you

Yep you're amazing

Great Joke!!!

A young woman in Cape Town was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young deck-hand saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, look, you've got a lot to live for. We're off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on this ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day. "Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy, OK?" The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe , and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady, he sure is!" the captain said. "This is the Ferry making daily trips between Robben Island and the Waterfront

Specsavers Barclaycard spoof - funny

What happens when Blonds start fishing